Two festivals have left me puzzled. As always. Something like being left to decide on several alternatives immediately after graduating from a university. Festivals demand concentration. Other priorities are put aside for a while. In the same way studies overlook other choices of life. So, when both festivals and studies are over, the temporarily sidelined chores become pressing.
In my case, however, as the mood of festival subsides slowly, study priorities have come to the fore. I need to do a lot of reading and writing at a time I have lost some of the self-confidence I had earlier. I have been underestimated in some corners, for a simple confusion. I believe this overlooks the credentials that helped keep me in KU for about a decade. This equally surprises my acquaintances who believe as much the naturalness of shortcomings as in my potentials to overcome them. For the time being I work with the conviction that one failure has helped me explore three different critical areas successfully. For a while, I remind myself of the fact that I have just scratched a bit of the world and caught sight of just a few of its people. So, why worry about one of the thousand potential failures in store for me in the 25 active years to come?
Well, the festivals leave my accounts low, and pressures high. I recall the last one year and see only two publications. I don’t see any professional presentations. This is where the pressure lies despite the accounts. When was the last time I wrote a few paragraphs of worth? The USA trip gave me much, but I limited it to a few ruminations. The SAUFEST trip to Chandigarh had a tremendous stock of topics, but I did not want to record the unexciting days. I have had worthy thoughts on unworthy occasions, but I let the unworthiness justify the avoidance of creations.
These post-festival ruminations remind me of the lag. It’s still up to me to decide on the speed of work. For now, at least, I must wake up to prove that I was not, am not and will not be an idiot
